Parting is such sweet sorrow...?

Well I've just about decided to use my wordpress site exclusively from now on. I really like the setup over there, BUT do like some features over here so I MIGHT be back...it'll just depend. At this point, its a pain to update both sites.

SO, without any further ado...if you wish to read my pathetic ramblings, from now on you can do so at Ramblings of a Redneck Woman

I'll miss this site...and I'll miss all the little red dots on my nifty little map...hopefully the map at the new site will fill up soon :)

Minor Update...

Since I apparently have nothing better to do at 4:15 in the morning, I decided to blog a little. I couldn't sleep very well at all Friday night...ended up in the recliner for the night. Even with drugs I slept very little. I managed to fall asleep in the bed Saturday night, but woke up at 1:30 and moved in here to the recliner again.

I'm still extremely sore in all the wrong places, but I did manage to soak in the tub for an hour or so tonight, and I think the heat helped. The main soreness makes NO sense because its a good 6-8 inches above the injection sites, and is on the vertebrae right below my neck. That puppy hurts, let me tell you! I still have a lot of pain when I breathe, but I can take deep breaths now, albeit with difficulty. I have a lot of pain in my left breast area...go figure, I didn't get any needles stuck THERE.

Basically, I really do feel like I'm battling a severe case of pneumonia. I ran fever all day yesterday but none today, so that's an improvement. I have some minor pain and cramping and spasms in my abdomen, but NOTHING like I'd been having, so count that as an improvement! I just pray that the pain doesn't come back any time soon.

I'm having a bit of difficulty walking still. My legs don't seem to want to hold me up. I'm hoping this is just from the general feeling of discomfort though and not that weakness he said could be a side affect. Today (Sunday) is my last day off until Wednesday, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to work Monday.

And that's about it...nothing exciting, nothing new, just still in pain, but hopeful that hope is near :)

DRUGS

Drugs are the bane of our existence. I have so many around here it isn’t even funny. Most of them are well over a year old, and I got them after all my surgeries last year. I kept them because while I don’t take them often, there are times that I DO need them.

My brother and his wife love drugs. Their preference is pot, but if they can’t get it (which they can’t because my Mom won’t buy it for them or let them have it on her land, which is where they live) they get by on prescription drugs. My brother has a bad back…he really does…but it doesn’t matter because when I gave him all my lortabs (they make me nauseated) he gave them to his wife. She burned her arm really badly about 3 years ago when she worked at Wendy’s, and has been fighting a battle with Workman’s Comp ever since. She has a legitimate suit…the management wouldn’t let her go for medical aid and she has serious, permanent nerve damage and has just about lost the use of her arm.

Why do I mention this? She’s a dopehead. She stays drugged as much as she can. The doctors will give her a month’s worth of phenergen for instance, for nausea, and she’ll have used it all in less than a week. She’s going to kill herself. Mom is having to buy EVERYTHING for them except food…they at least get foodstamps. Neither of them can legitimately work, and SSI is dragging its feet and nothing ever seems to get done.

So anyway, I came home today with a week’s supply of vicadin and phenergen…21 and 20 pills, respectively. I took my second vicadin just now, and Mom (who came down and invited herself to stay the night to “help” me out while I’m in so much pain) told me “Make sure you don’t use too much of that, your brother is expecting me to bring the rest back to him because “she’s” (Linda) hurting really bad and I don’t have the money to buy her anymore medicine.” Excuse me in advance, but WTF??? This is MY medication, *I* paid for it, and I will NOT contribute to my sister in law’s “habit”!!!

I mean the NERVE. Not to mention I would never give her vicadin at all after the lortabs fiasco…I gave them 75 lortabs (I’d had a few prescriptions filled and just laying around) and she went through them in about a week. My mom thinks she’s just in pain…WAKE UP WOMAN SHE’S A DRUGGIE AND YOU’RE CONTRIBUTING TO HER HABIT!!!

Anyway. I’m going to go hide all my pills so I can tell Mom I’m out and she won’t see that I’m lying. Yeah, that’s real Christian of me isn’t it?

The procedure is over...

…and I’m in more pain than I ever imagined. They made me have chest x-rays before they’d let me go home because I kept getting dizzy and black spots because I couldn’t take a breath hardly. Thanks to the vicadin, I can now take a shallow breath without it hurting, but I still feel like I’m suffocating because if I try to take more than a shallow breath, the pain is very very intense. They gave me phenergen and vicadin and I was slurring my words a lot. I’m having to retype this as it is due to the vicadin. This is good stuff by the way…they gave it to me last year but I gave it to my brother for his back because I was afraid to even try it (Yes, I love to watch the show “House” on Fox lol)

Anyway. I can’t even begin to describe the pain, but I started crying in the recovery room because…the pain is ONLY in my back and shoulders. I don’t feel ANYTHING in my abdomen!!!! I’m praying this isn’t a result of the pain in my back blocking out the pain in my abdomen, but ya know…I really feel this worked and I’m soooo incredibly happy. If it did in fact work, and lasts even a few weeks, I will definitely go through this pain in my back again, because it will be WORTH it. I can’t wait for the back pain to go away so I can try out different things and see how I feel (for instance, tying my shoes would be nice…Justin and my kids have been tying my shoes for me for over a year).

Thank you so much for the prayers and positive thoughts, the encouragement…I almost didn’t post about this procedure the other day, and I’m so glad now that I did because I’m tearing up just sitting here thinking about how different things have the potential to be now. I’m praying this works.

One minor note, I do have weakness in my right leg and numbness in my left leg…he thinks this is not going to affect me though…I can’t walk straight right now, but I was very unsteady on my legs for a couple days last time too. Having them wake me up to see if I could move my legs and such was an experience I’d rather forget about (the needles were still in my back and I was moaning pretty loudly because I couldn’t stop). The nurses in recovery also said I was pretty loud compared to my last visit, but they said I was a perfect patient because even through my pain and tears I was apologizing for “inconveniencing” them lol

I’m rambling…I’m going to try to sleep a little more…I can’t lie down in the bed at all so sleeping is a little bit of a challenge as even the recliner is painful. I can’t tell you how happy I feel right now…although I guess that could be a result of xanaflex, phenergen, and vicadin bliss lol

Thanks again everyone

And now for something completely different...

OK not that different since I've done it before, but hey, I like Monty Python, so the quote had to be the title :)

A friend posted a blog thing quiz on my board, and well, it reminded me that I needed to post some since I haven't in a while. SO without any further ado...

You Are 24% California

You're not from California - don't try to game this quiz!

How California Are You?

No huge surprise there...

Your Mood Ring is Orange

Stimulating ideas Daring Full of desires

Mood Ring Generator

yeah...ok...

Your Love Song Is

Yellow by Coldplay "Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do, Yeah they were all yellow" You're so in love, it's like a drug.

What Love Song Are You?

What? By who??

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

OK THAT one was pretty darned accurate lol

And last but not least, I couldn't resist this one...

Snickers

Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Whoa...too funny...and my favorite candy to boot :)

NOW I'm going to tag Carrie at "Chocolate the Other White Meat" and Lynnae at "From Under the Clutter", so find some fun blogthings girls and get posting :)

Another "surgical" procedure...

...is coming up for me...Friday I'm having the more radical one done on my back...it leaves holes about the size of a small soda straw (the last one did anyway and he said this one would be the same) and my back felt like I'd been hit by a truck for a little over a week).

Last time they used anesthesia on the nerves...neural cortexes I think they were called? They're on each side of my abdomen at any rate, and they go in from my back under x-ray guidance. Well, that didn't work. I had minor (very minor) relief for about 6 days, then the pain returned full-force, as did the cramps and spasms.

So this time they're going to cauterize the nerves with alcohol. Usually they only do this on terminal patients...but its gotten to the point where the gal who NEVER wears makeup, even to work, is now wearing full makeup and still can't hide the shadows under her eyes. I'm not sleeping and I've dropped down to 116 pounds...and of course ALL the weight loss is showing in my face, not my ass...and before ya'll say they're interchangeable...someone else already beat you to the punch LOL. So I have a lot more wrinkles and bags under my eyes, and the left side of my face tics almost constantly (had a TIA in 97 and I get facial tics on the left side ever since when I'm really tired). I'm having a lot of trouble eating and I'm so tired and cranky and...well anyway.

I'm praying the outcome will be at least a noticeable reduction in my pain. There is a risk that since the alcohol won't be selective, I could experience weakness in my legs for several months, up to and including losing the use of my legs as far as walking or standing would go. They've assured me that if this happens, it'll only be temporary. The ONLY reason I'm even going to risk it is because this is a very small chance, and I've got to do something.

The only other thing they can do if this doesn't work is an implant and/or narcotics. The implant isn't guaranteed either...and honestly, I don't think I want a pager-sized hunk of metal in my butt. I'm lumpy enough as it is.

I've really tried not to post too much about this, because you guys don't need to see "Kandy's under the weather...Kandy's depressed...Kandy's crying..." all the time. My doctors still can't believe I'm even working. When my abdomen spasms, you can see a lump stand out on my belly, all the way across, roughly rectangular-shaped (with rounded edges though) that's about 6 inches long by 3-4 inches high. The spasms happen at least a dozen times a day, if not more. They double me over and I can't breathe.

A minor improvement would be spectacular news to me. I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be. I can deal with the post-procedural pain...but having the relief last longer than the post-pain this time would be a nice bonus. I guess I just don't want to be disappointed again.

Why am I in so much pain? Let's see...just in case I never blogged about it before, I'll try to tell it in a nutshell.

I had 80% of my liver removed last year...March 6, 2006 to be exact. The tumor in said liver was the size of a soccer ball and weighed 3.6 pounds. They had to break two ribs to get it out intact. The tumor had been encapsulated by my body, which was a darned good thing since they estimate I'd had it for 12-15 years and it being encapsulated kept it from spreading. I was supposed to be in the hospital for one surgery and 5 days max. I ended up being there for 45 days, and they told my husband and mother to prepare for funeral arrangements. During those 45 days, I was only allowed sustenance (food or liquid "meals") for 3 days. The rest of the time I had "feeding" through IV lines. I had to have new IV's every day, sometimes every 6-12 hours, because my veins kept blowing. To this day drawing a tube of blood from me takes several sticks due to the damage my veins incurred last year. I weighed 172 pounds on March 6, 2006. When I came home from the hospital I weighed 111 pounds. I got back up to around 122 until recently, when the pain and sleep loss started making me drop again.

On top of all that, my liver regrew wrong. The liver doesn't regrow in the shape of a normal liver, as I incorrectly assumed. Mine regrew along the path of least resistance, and then kept going. My internal organs were pushed down and around, up to the right, twisting my diaphragm and causing my right lung to be partially collapsed. I have serious shortness of breath all the time, and if I bend over for too long, I black out. I can't bend over to tie my own shoes, much less take care of my toenails.

How do I keep going? Heck if I know. I try to be as positive as possible...not too easy for a bipolar gal...but I do try. I honestly believe working gives me a purpose, and helps keep me from being TOO depressed. Lately though, I'm getting worse, and I see it, and I hate being this way, I really do. I hate who I am...who I'm becoming...I hate what my life has become. This makes me feel even worse because God blessed me and gave my life back to me last year, when I literally saw a vision of hell the night I almost died in the hospital.

So there's my story, and lest you think its all doom and gloom, I really am grateful to be here. It just gets harder and harder to remembber WHY I'm so grateful when all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, how much sleep I'm NOT getting, and how hard its getting to even get through the day when I'm NOT working, much less when I am.

OK...pity party is over.

I need a vacation

I really do! I was really questioning taking the CSM position before I took it, and I've wondered this past week if God is letting me know I made the wrong decision. Justin doesn't think so, but I'm not so sure.

Today was just...awful. I teared up several times because I was just so MAD. I knew that I'd be working Money Center more than CSM this week. I have no problems with that. The problem I have is the same one...being pulled off learning CSM stuff in order to, for instance, SCRUB GARBAGE CANS. Two other CSM's knew how pissed off I was just from the look on my face, so I'm NOT doing a good job controlling my facial expressions. They couldn't believe I was told to scrub garbage cans. For the record, I never did scrub them...couldn't find a brush and I wasn't going to use my hands.

Then, the cousin of a girl I had a "run-in" with on Monday about a return I approved on Friday told a CSM that I was telling cashiers to straighten up or I was going to fire them. I was told to "watch what you say." I finally had enough and said I was NOT going to watch what I say, because I never said I was going to fire anyone, even in jest. I got so mad over it I was ready to do a complaint against both cashiers (the cousins, that is). I decided to be the bigger person, and I'm just going to ignore it for now. I documented it though, and if the first one disrespects me again, I WILL write her up, and start a paper trail. I'm sick and tired of people saying I've said things that I haven't said.

There is a definite campaign going on to get me in trouble. I know the ringleaders, and I know why. A lot of it is resentment because I got CSM. I believe its the same ones who spread the tale to my old manager that I was going around telling everyone I was going to be the next CSM, when I never said THAT either. That didn't work, so now they're trying this. Management told me to take it in stride, that people are going to continually talk. I get that, I really do...but they (management) need to HELP me in this, by taking any accusation that's proven unfounded and coaching the accuser. If they make a few "gossip examples" maybe it wouldn't be so incredibly rampant. I've never known a workplace to be so full of gossipmongers and to have such an active rumor mill.

I hate griping all the time...but ya know, I'm in so much pain the past couple days, and I'm not sleeping (without taking a xanaflex for the pain anyway) and I'm so...well I just have such a short fuse. This is NOT me. I want to just go back to Money Center, but I get a real sense of enjoyment out of the few CSM duties I've been allowed to perform so far. Saturday night, I KNOW I was a real asset to the company because I stayed late when we had only 1 CSM and I ran my feet off helping her out.

Days like today though...I really do get very frustrated. I pray that after my procedure, I have a better mood and temperament...please Lord, PLEASE let this procedure give me some relief! I'm so tired of being ... well mean all the time...

Just shoot me!

UGH. I'm so tired its not even funny. I've been training for CSM this week, and I can think of more pleasant experiences...such as having teeth pulled. I kid you not, the whole thing has been so unorganized its not even funny. It took WEEKS for them to get their acts together and get the offer out there, and then another week and a half to actually get me in the computer...SO I was borrowing other CSM's numbers just to do my job...when I was allowed to do it.

Take yesterday for instance. I was SUPPOSED to work the book all morning. Instead, the CSM training me had me doing all the tasks that cashiers should have been doing...getting ready for inventory. At one point I was cleaning out from under bookshelves (let me tell you, it was NASTY) while 3 or 4 cashiers stood around flapping their jaws. I didn't do ANYTHING resembling a CSM's job. I ran cash registers all day and cleaned and scrubbed. I learned NOTHING and was very very close to walking out and telling them where they could stick their promotion.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing these things that need to be done...I'm humble enough to understand that we all pitch in when we're needed. I had two problems with what happened yesterday:
1. I was supposed to be training, and learned NOTHING new, and am expected to be trained within a week...and had been training since Monday and still knew nothing much at all.
2. There were cashiers standing around goofing off when they could have been doing the busy work that I was doing, and *I* could have been learning.

I feel like I wasn't utilized in the way I could/should have been, and it irritated me to no end. I left work in tears and so pissed off that I'm surprised I kept my mouth shut long enough to leave without quitting.

Today was much better, but everything is sore and I'm tired. I have a tension headache and just want to go to bed for a week. I had fun though, other than the expected run-ins with some of the cashiers who are disgruntled that I'm going to be "over" them now. Oh well. As time goes on, it'll get better.

New blog!

OK so I made a new blog on another site last week, but haven't really had time to play around with it until today (and, my internet connection has been TERRIBLE due to all the bad weather we've had).

I'm not sure which format I'll like better...blogspot or the new wordpress site, so I need feedback on both sites! If you leave a comment here, and feel like it, please leave a comment over there too, and let me know what you think...include your thoughts on the ease/difficulty leaving the comment itself!

The new site is Ramblings of a Redneck Woman. Thanks in advance!!!

I've been tagged!

Yeah, I KNOW I was tagged days ago, but alright already, I've been busy!

So Lynnae...here are mine :)

Four jobs I've held:
1. Helicopter Mechanic in the Army (still my favorite job)
2. Restaurant manager
3. Cashier
4. Tupperware (liked it too)

Four movies I can watch over and over again:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. Phantom of the Opera
3. Secondhand Lions
4. O' Brother Where Art Thou

Four places I have lived:
1. Petal/Hattiesburg, MS (they're neighboring cities)
2. Watertown (area), NY
3. Ft. Bragg, NC
4. Poplarville, MS

Four TV shows I watch:
1. Any of the Law and Order shows
2. Survivor
3. Heroes
4. CSI (original one...don't care for CSI: NY or CSI: Miami)

Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Fantasy Kingdom
2. Epcot
3. Disney-MGM studios
4. Animal Kingdom

OK OK OK...
Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Walt Disney World, Orlando, FL
2. DisneyLand, Anaheim, CA
3. Smokey Mountains
4. Little Rock, AR

Four of my favorite foods:
1. strawberries
2. sweet gherkins
3. sweet potato ANYTHING
4. snow crab legs

Four websites I visit:
1. October 2002 Playgroup
2. PvP Online
3. American Family Radio
4. Looking For Group

I have no one to tag...sad isn't it? LOL I'll think of someone eventually...

Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT)

So I stood in line Friday night and bought the last book, and I finished it somewhere between 9-11 hours of reading (I'm thinking it was around 9, but I say 10-11 to be on the safe side). It was no LONGER than 11, but I was stopped a LOT during that time to do stuff with the kids, work, etc LOL

Overall, I was pretty disappointed...but I think a lot of that was my own fault for letting myself get really hyped about it.

Some things I liked:
-Dobby's death was sad for me, but the way Harry handled it made me tear up...
-Neville...I love this kid, and I'm REALLY glad he lived!
-Harry's reaction when Ron and Hermione finally kissed...priceless
-Snape living up to my expectations (and desires) for his character's direction
-Percy reuniting with his family, and the way Fred laid it all out for him when he came back...I was laughing SO hard at that
-Mrs. Weasley calling Belatrix a bitch and kicking her ass

Some things I'm still pissed off about:
-Hedwig's death
-Fred's death (I'm still highly peeved about that one)
-the epilogue (but then a friend pointed out that she writes for kids too, so I can now see the "need" for it...but it still irks me lol)
-the way the book seemed to have difficulty "flowing" as well as the previous six did
-the way Harry seems to be a bigger screw up than in any of the previous six books combined. Come on, we get that he's only human, but PLEASE...the book acts as if he's never learned anything at all!

I had a big summary of my thoughts written out, but I can't find it now...sooo all in all, I think this book pretty much falls in line with every other book written to end a series...a lot of tying up loose ends, and maybe trying to please fans a little too much. I didn't like one of the major contradictions in my mind...Snape is redeemed, BUT it never explains why in the sixth book he tried to kill Harry with the Avada Kadavra curse after he'd killed Dumbledore. Now, perhaps he intentionally missed, given what was revealed in the last book, BUT she should have addressed that when she explained all of his other actions. One, two sentences at the most is all it would have taken. Something really small, but it really irritated me.

I don't think its possible to make all of her fans happy obviously, I just wish I was one of the ones who read the book and LOVED it. Oh well. It was worth the $18 at any rate. Jared's reading it now, and I can't wait for his thoughts on the whole thing. More to come :)

I need new feet!

OK so this is a truly gross picture, and my feet do NOT look like this (they're not THAT old yet lol) but man, they sure do FEEL like it!

I got to work fully expecting to spend most of my time in Money Center tonight, and instead I was doing CSM duty for 7 of the 8 hours I worked (at least). Granted, I didn't have my own keys or numbers yet, but I borrowed from other CSM's...and considering I was left alone to run the front end for about an hour (with no warning whatsoever) I think I did fairly well.

I LOVED the fact that I got to walk so much...the time really flew by because I wasn't standing in any one place. My back and abdomen didn't hurt as badly either, I assumed from the constant movement keeping me from stiffening up. About an hour before I got off though, my feet started really burning, and I limped out to my van after my shift. I have two new blisters. What the heck? Its not like I've been sitting on my bum the past 8 months...I stand on my feet the entire day...I guess there's just more friction walking back and forth.

I feel good about how I worked tonight...but the real test will come once I'm truly on my own. So far though, so good. I had little to no supervision or instruction out on the floor, and I feel very confident in my performance.

So...all in all...a good day (I just need new feet!)